The End of Innocence
by MoonDrop162
Summary: She swore... She swore never to talk about what happened to her on Tarsus IV. But, when rumors crop up, and it compromises her leadership, what will Spock and Bones do to help their friend? Rated M for lang. Fem!Krik. mentions of abuse, rape, and trauma.
1. Prologue

**Welp... goodness... it _has_ been awhile, hasn't it?**

**Don't think I need to tell you guys that I'm hitting a rut with the Supernatural things for it to be noticed. But, fret not, I haven't given up on Samantha, I've just hit a spot I can't get past, and there are other factors I can't control keeping me from updating like I would like to.**

**However, I was hit with sudden inspiration to do something for the Star Trek rebooted verse (again with a gender swap, because, hey, I think it's fun), and without further ado, I present to you my take on what happened to our dear protagonist on Tarsus IV.  
**

**Enjoy!**

**MD**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing by writing this other than creative satisfaction.**_

* * *

Scars told stories. They were like the written word carved into human flesh. As morbid as that idea could seem, it was the honest truth. The lack of scars told stories as well, though those were commonly less graphic and horrifying. There were always the psychological scars that could be present if the physical ones were missing, but those were easier to hide. But the gnarly, brutal, white lines were something that she couldn't hide, and her story was out there for the world to read, if she wasn't careful. It was the biggest reason why she hated visits to the doctor, and she made a habit of wearing long sleeves.

After the fact, she'd expected to be hidden away deep in some mental hospital, or a backwoods town where no one knew or cared about her past, and where the Federation could ignore such a glaring mistake on their record, but to her surprise, it was quite the opposite. Months and hours of time was spent in to shaping the scars on her psyche in to monsters less noticeable, and growing her back to something that looked, spoke, and acted like a human being again. Her brain, she realized, was the whole reason why. Her aptitude tests had scored so high, that had she been in school still, she would have re-shaped how professors in college were grading their students. To say she was a genius was a pitiful understatement.

To say that the Federation wanted to covet her gave even less credit.

So after she had turned more animal than human, after they would have been better just tossing her in a pit and covering their losses, they tried. She went through therapists and psych evals like candy, and there were months where they seemed to be having the opposite desired effect, when quite suddenly, it changed.

But… we're getting ahead of ourselves.

It could be claimed this all started with a planet named Tarsus IV, or even her step father Frank, but really, if she were to be honest, Adelaide's story really started with a lightning storm in outer space.

* * *

**Thanks for joining me on another adventure, guys. I will not promise speedy updates, but they _will_ come.**

**Also, not quite sure if I like how I ended this. I might come back and change it later when I have more of the story fleshed out.**

**Reviews are love!**

**Peace!**


	2. Where it All Went Wrong

**Hello, everybody.**

**So. Saw Into Darkness last night. JFIODSHAFUOENUIFANUDIPSAHFDAS. Pretty much the most AMAZING MOVIE EVER. Oh man. There was not a single thing wrong with that movie.**

**Also, it was brought to my attention that there was something confusing in my prologue. Adelaide is my name for the female James Kirk. I didn't want her to be a woman and named James in my story, though I've seen that plenty of times in other stories, so, Adelaide is the name I chose.**

**I wrote this half asleep and haven't proofread it. I get that the pace of things gets a little confusing towards the end, but bear with me. **

**As always, thank you for reading! Please review and help a sistah out, yeah?**

**MD**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing from writing this other than creative satisfaction.**_

* * *

_Life had not been exactly friendly to Adelaide in the time she'd been alive to experience it. Her mother had been a kind and loving soul, if always a little sad, and her older brother was polite if nothing else. She didn't really fit in to her family, but she loved them anyway. She was just too smart for them. Not to boast, but to be honest, they couldn't compare to her brains. By the time she was four, she was steadily reading through her father's personal library that her mother hadn't had the heart to sell, and was on her way to more advanced mathematics and sciences, had mastered Standard, and was learning Klingon. However, her favorite thing to read about was tactical strategy. Sure, she liked the bedtime stories and fairytales filled with happiness and joy, but the women in those stories were frivolous and stupid, too dependent on men to live, and stupid enough that saving them wasn't worth the effort._

_Let's just say that Addy didn't really fit in well with people her own age._

_Still, she was content with her life. Her mother never let a day pass without a reminder that Addy was loved and cherished. Her brother, though obviously jealous of the brains she'd inherited from their father, never faulted her for it. He just ignored her. He couldn't relate to her. Already, at younger than half of his age, she was caught up to him mentally, and was already on the way to surpassing him in school. It was an awkward thing that Addy never quite called family, but they were both dear to her, and she was happy to have them in her life._

_Iowa, though, she could've done without. Riverside was just so god damn _boring_. Everyone was so stupid, and there was nothing to do except farm. She complained about the lack of stimulation frequently to Winona over the years, as she started public school and got lumped with material she'd taught herself eons ago, just based on age. After one particularly colorful session of whining, Winona had gotten this look over her face, this lost, contemplative, despairing look, before softly calling out to her daughter,_

"_Follow me."_

_Curious, Addy followed her mother out of their rustic farmhouse and walked around to the back, and past the garage to the decrepit shack in the outfield. She'd been forbidden from stepping inside on the grounds that the building was unstable and could collapse on her without provocation if she even opened the door. However, as Winona gently touched the rotting wood with her fingertips before shakily gripping the door handle and shoving, Addy knew that this place had belonged to her father. The pair coughed, waving dust and mildew out of their faces as the air settled, and what Adelaide saw made her gasp._

_The rusty skeleton of an antique '64 Corvette convertible sat in the middle of the shadows, looking like a dying, sick animal. Adelaide's eight year old heart nearly beat itself out of her chest as she gingerly stepped past her mother and in towards the old car. The thing should be in a museum it was so old. From ages ago, decades before the third world war, and the Eugenics war, even. How it had survived the Post-Atomic Horror escaped Addy, but somehow it had, and it had come in to her father's possession._

"_How..?" she breathed. Winona stood in the doorway, blocking the fading sunlight, her arms wrapped firmly around her stomach, her lips pinched at the corners._

"_I don't know. He never told me. He had plans, though, to fix it up, and make it shine like new and sell it for a small fortune for college funds for you and Sam." Addy's head whipped around at that to gape at her mother. Her little heart stopped beating and then promptly broke in anger. This man… this selfless, kind, loving man had had plans for her future before she was barely more than a fertilized egg in her mother's womb, and now…_

_Addy turned away and discreetly wiped away the wetness in her eyes._

"_I think he would want you to have it, Ladie. This way, you aren't so bored, and when it's done, I'll take you and Sam for a drive somewhere. We'll have a picnic. How does that sound?" Addy's brow twitched at the use of her mother's preferred shortening of her nickname. She was the only one allowed such a privilege. Mutely, she nodded and ran back towards her mother, tackling her with a hug and hiding her face in the soft skin of Winona's waist. Her mother stroked her hair silently for a while before drawing away and back towards the house. They locked up the shack and twined their fingers and headed back to share a bowl of ice cream. _

_The despair didn't leave her mother's face for the next five days._

_With a new project, Addy spent time on her mother's PADD looking up schematics for the old car, the preferred engine specs, how to build it, how to tinker to make it better, what would make it faster, what would make it growl more, what would make it purr like a kitten. She was only eight, and lots of the things she needed she didn't have, but maybe Sam… no, probably not._

_Hmm._

_She could always go to Mr. Hoffman's shipyard and find scraps. It wouldn't be the prettiest, but it would run, if she could find pieces that would even work for such an old engine type, and weren't rusted useless._

_She fell asleep with numbers and prices and a projected timeline swirling around in her head, and a smile on her face. It took her longer than she expected, but on the cusp of her twelfth birthday, she turned the key in the ignition, and for once, nothing sparked or smoked. It just roared to life, and then calmed down to a rolling snarl. Addy loved the car, instantly. Even Sam smiled at her and pat her on the back when she showed it to him. He helped her pain it hot rod red (no sports stripes, thank you, she's not a pussy) and they both surprised Winona with the finished product._

_She cried._

_Of course, Addy had tried to stay as true to the time as she could, but there were regulations and laws for the road now that centered around technology that hadn't even been a dream at the time. There was a computer with GPS installed in the engine of the car and integrated in to a single touchscreen tablet embedded in the dashboard. One could take calls, order food, find a restaurant (or anything, really), and do most of the duties of a PADD from the car. It was always voice activated, for a safe, hands-free experience._

_True to her word, Winona has packed up a basket with cold cut meats and cheeses, and they'd all piled in to the black leather and drove. It was the best day of Adelaide's life, to date._

_Of course, that just had to be the day her mother met Frank._

_Frank was kind enough at first. A handsome face, with salt and pepper hair that was not all that unattractive on him, and eyes that sparkled with intelligence. He delighted in Sam's easygoing personality, and Addy's brain, debating the finer points of the mechanics of the machine she had finished in honor of her father George. But Winona he paid the most attention to. He got her laughing in a way Addy couldn't honestly remember hearing from her mother. They exchanged contact information when it was time for the picnic to be over and the Kirk family to head home._

_They were married in seven months. Kirk's life was over in nine._

* * *

She heard the whispers. It was the Captain's business to hear all the whispers. It was her duty to know the concerns of her crew, especially those they were too frightened to bring her (though Adelaide desperately hoped she was never that type of Captain). Sometimes, though… sometimes, she just wanted to stay oblivious.

There was a video from one of the training centers available for her and her crew to stay fit. It might not be the most honest way to learn what people talked about, but it sure was effective. They'd been in space so long now, that the cameras were all but forgotten. People didn't bother to censor themselves anymore. Addy wished they would. Desperately. More so when it involved her and her past.

"_Did you see the Captain's face when she was announcing our new orders?"_

"_I thought she was going to hurl right on the bridge!"_

"_Poor Spock, his shoes would have been a lost cause. No salvaging from that mess."_

"_But does that mean that the Captain knows this Kodos man?"_

_"I don't know, do you think it's possible?"_

So she listened. And she heard. And she dreamt. The pointy goatee, the sharp mustache, the tears, the **hunger**, all those kids crying, and those eyes. The eyes, asking, always asking her why.

Adelaide didn't take to these new rumors kindly.

At first she was able to work the stress out by going to the training rooms herself and running until she almost passed out (for which she received quite the earful from Bones), but then one day it didn't work. She still slept, though calling it restful was out of the question. Her subconscious relieved torment after torment until she woke up screaming and clawing at the phantoms holding her down, and…

Well… suffice to say, it didn't take Spock longer than two days to notice the heavy bags under her eyes.

"Captain."

"Yes, Commander?"

"I have noticed a discoloration and swelling under your eyes that suggest a continued and recurring lack of sleep."

"…Have you?"

"Indeed."

"That's nice, Spock."

"…Captain?"

"What is it, Commander?"

"If you are having a difficult time sleeping, I believe it would be advantageous to acquire to a professional opinion from Doctor McCoy on the best course of action to aid you."

"Noted, Commander." And the whole time, her hands had been clenched until the nail dug dangerously deep in to her palms. If she didn't bleed, she was going to have some interesting bruises Bones wouldn't simply let go without an explanation, overprotective teddy bear that he was. Her hand and neck had gotten clammy, and it had taken every ounce of willpower to control her face and remain calm in the face of such a dangerous topic. Spock, for all his sharp and ruthless intelligence, was not one for tact, and this was not a topic that she wanted to stumble on with _Spock_ on the _bridge_ while _on duty._ Or really stumble on ever, actually.

There were some things that were just better left unsaid.

But it was getting worse, the closer they got to Planet Q. Her anxiety was starting to peak, and her crew was taking note. She grew snappish and short with people, especially the junior crew that were too green to be perfect by Star Fleet standards, and her Captaincy was bordering on a dictatorship. Then Addy heard the footage from the training room, and it all flashed in her mind, and the next thing she remembered, she was throwing up in her joint bathroom she shared with Spock. Thankfully, he was either asleep or out, because there was no curious knock on the door, and she was left to herself to pull her emotions back in, shove them down, and collect herself.

She tried to tell herself the disappointment she felt was only because she'd lost her grip on herself.

The nightmares were worse that night, and she woke up sobbing in to her pillow, crying out for a comforting and safe place to call home. For the first time since she'd stepped on the ship, Adelaide felt trapped and panicked by the cold metal surroundings.

"Computer, what's the time?" she asked groggily.

"**Current time – 0330 – four hours thirty minutes until Alpha shift."**

"Bugger all," she muttered, knowing she would not go back to sleep after such a terrifying dream.

Pulling herself out of bed, she quickly used the shower and dressed in some comfortable underclothes, settling down at her desk to work on paperwork she'd been avoiding since forever. Three hours to go until she was on duty, and she had messages to take a look at, forms to sign, a whole manner of things she'd been avoiding. Rubbing the last of the sleep from her eyes, Addy sighed and hunched over one of her work PADDs, determined to have the stack of paperwork done by the start of her next shift.


	3. The Broken Toy

**Sorry, loves! I was not ignoring this back story. I might have gotten distracted with _Second Chances_ and _Reaching for the Stars_, but I still had the oomph to write for this, too!**

**Some of you may not have noticed, but I have changed a few things about this story. It's no longer a romance story, and Adelaide and Spock will not be together as a couple in this. If that turns you away, I guess I can understand, though I won't lie - I hope it doesn't. I would be quite sad if that was the _only_ reason people are interested in this story.**

**Anywho, I rather like this chapter. We'll get to specifics on what happened in Addy's past in the next chapter. **

**Kisses!**

**MD**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing from writing this other than creative satisfaction.**_

* * *

"Bones, what the _fuck_!?" Addy hissed. The stronger man said nothing, just glared at her venomously over his shoulder before he gave another hard yank, making her stumble along. She tried to twist out of his iron grip, but when it only made him clench down harder on her hand, she stopped. She had a sick feeling in her stomach. What the fuck was up _his_ ass?

It had been the start of another endless shift, the cobwebs of Addy's latest nightmares still clinging to her mind. She'd found herself unusually despondent that morning. Like it was only another dream of hers where nothing she did really mattered or had any kind of consequence. Her crew had shared some looks. Then Bones had stormed in with all the contained rage of a southern hurricane and zeroed in on Addy.

He'd barked at Spock that he had the conn and forcibly pulled her towards the exit, mumbling something about doctor patient confidentiality and not bothering to listen to Spock's remarks on the break of protocol. Addy, of course, was outraged at her best friend's befuddling behavior. She presumes they were going back to the medbay (she couldn't remember another appointment she'd "missed" but knowing her, that didn't mean anything – is that what this was about?), but he'd quickly changed directions. It took her a moment to get her bearings before she realized he was taking her to the deck where their living quarters were located. That's when she knew that whatever it was that ruffled Bones' feathers was bad.

Addy sulked all the way there and through his where, where Bones promptly dumped her on the floor in a rather undignified heap. She glared up at him, rubbing the sores spots on her knee she'd landed on. Bones looked pissed. Beyond pissed. He looked like he was ready to throttle her.

"What the fuck do you think you're _doing_ pulling me off the bridge like that _in the middle of my shift!?_" she demanded. He said nothing, which was really starting to freak her out. Bones was by no means the talkative type, but neither was he silent. He said what needed to be said and that was that, but he was never just quiet like this, angry beyond the capability of even speaking. It was frightening her, and fear was something Addy hid behind a mask of anger or arrogance, but she knew Bones knew her better. He could see it.

"Bones?" she asked tentatively when he just stood there, glaring down at her. "What's wrong?" He snorted harshly and strode past her, replicating himself a glass of scotch, which he quickly downed in one gulp. Cautiously, Addy stood on her feet and waited. Whatever the reason for his suddenly mute tendencies, he'd pulled her off the bridge at the start of her shift for a reason. She could wait until he was ready to speak, no matter how twitchy it made her, or how much she longed to leave. Her patience paid off when he slammed the glass down on his desk loudly, and sighed, mumbling something. She frowned, uncertain.

"What? I didn't hear you." Apparently, she realized, that was the wrong thing to say when Bones whirled on her, his eyes pinning her where she stood and looking like he was ready to scream.

"Exactly how long were ya plannin' to keep from me that our "target criminal" we're apprehendin' is Kodos _the fuckin'_ executioner!?" Addy shrinked away from the furious southern man, flinching at his raised voice. Bones had never yelled at her like this. Yeah, he'd yelled, but not like this. It had always been because she'd worried him or he'd discovered some other food allergy she forgot to mention, and she'd almost died. Again. It was never out of rage like this. It was always fun and playful between them. She looked down at her shoes.

"This is exactly why I _didn't_ tell you… I knew you'd–"

"_Yer damn right I would!_" he screamed. "After what he…" Bones stopped, heaving great, gulping breaths and cursed, getting another drink. Adelaide stood there, her shoulders aching with how tense she was clenched her muscles. She wanted to run, this was not a safe space for her right now, but she knew that would make things even worse for her with Bones. He had a right to be angry with her, keeping this kind of information from him, but she'd done it for good reasons. She counted pieces of dust on the floor while her medical friend calmed himself down.

"Adelaide," he growled, "look at me." She refused, keeping her head stubbornly pointed down at the floor. Not when he was like this. She wouldn't look at him when he was like this.

"God damn it kid, can ya look at me?" She huffed. Why did she have to have this conversation right now? Or ever, for that matter. She slowly trailed her eyes up the floor until she found his feet, and followed the path up until she was looking at his forehead. He looked close to tears, he was so angry.

"Why would ya take this mission?" She rolled her eyes at him.

"You think I _wanted_ this mission?" she asked, exasperated. "I would have gladly let some other Captain take this over! It's not like I say no to a fucking admiral when they tell me to go do something, Bones!"

"Ya haven' let that stop ya in the past," he accused. She glared hard at him.

"My Captaincy is tenuous at best, you know that. I only got the _Enterprise_ because my half-cooked, suicidal plans brought Pike back. I can't _afford_ to say no to them, Bones. Not until they believe I can handle this."

"Great. So this is a crusade, is it? Ya tryna prove yerself to the people upstairs? I mean, did ya even stop to consider what this could do to ya?" Addy gaped at her friend. Bones and her fought regularly about her nasty habit of not taking care of herself to his standards, but this was different. Did he even realize what he was saying? Of _course_ she knew what this could do to her. She knew better than he damn well did because even when he'd cornered her and forced her to tell him the story of what happened on Tarsus all those years ago, she hadn't told him everything. There were just some things she would never tell another living soul. But, like she'd said, this hadn't been her choice.

"Hey, back off. I'm fine, alright? I can do this." Bones sighed wearily, shaking his head.

"No, yer not fine, and ya can' do this, Darlin'. Ya look like ya haven' slept in a week, and yer prob'ly no eatin' much, either." Addy bristled, feeling like she'd just been punched in the gut. Had he really just said what she thought she heard? He hadn't really said that… had he?

"Mind your own fucking business," she snapped.

"As this ship's CMO, and yer _friend_, yer well-bein' _is_ my business. And if I think for one moment that this is gettin' to be too much for ya, Addy, I will tell Spock everythin' and pull ya outta that chair so fast yer head'll spin." Her stomach clenched painfully and her blood turned cold. She narrowed her eyes thinly and her voice dropped, soft and dangerous.

"You wouldn't." Bones' eyes hardened at the cold detachment.

"Yes, Adelaide, I will." Addy blinked hard at him for a few minutes. She couldn't believe she was hearing this. She thought, of all people, Bones would have understood why she'd accepted this so easily. This wasn't about the morons comfy in their seats above her accepting her skills as a leader. This was all about _her_. She needed to do this, so she could prove to _herself_ that she wasn't 13 and helpless anymore. She needed to see for herself that she had the strength to face anything that came her way. If she could go up against Kodos and come out on top, she knew nothing would ever beat her, because nothing could ever possibly be worse than him.

"If you remove me from that chair on the pretenses of me being emotionally compromised, Leonard," she muttered darkly, making him jump in shock when she used his name, "I will _never_ forgive you."

He was quiet for a moment, recovering from the surprise, and then standing resolute in his decision. Addy hadn't once called him by his first name in the whole 3 ½ years she'd known him. She could tell the distance she was putting up between them by not calling him Bones hurt, but she didn't care. He'd started this when he threatened her position as Captain.

"If it keeps ya safe and alive," he answered just as softly. Without another word, Addy turned around and left his quarters. She couldn't even look at him right now she was so mad. And with every step she took, her anger grew until she was bunching her hands so much, her nails were digging into her palms and leaving marks. She looked down at them, seeing the bright red marks glaring angrily up at her.

Rage she hadn't felt in a long time exploded within her, and she made a run for her room. Thankfully it was just up the hallway from Bones, so the chance of anyone seeing her was low. She was barely through the door before she told the computer to lock the door. She was breathing hard, but not only from her sprint. Her skin felt hot, too hot, like it was burning right off her bone. Her hands ached and itched and all she wanted to do was beat the shit out of someone. She felt such hate, such absolute, all-consuming hate. Hate for Bones. Hate for her stepfather. Hate for Tarsus. Hate for Kodos. Hate for her life and constant run of bad luck. Hate for herself for being so weak. Hate for the _Enterprise _for making her feel so confined. She hated it all. She hated everyone.

Screaming she ran to the walls and tore off the pictures and painting, flinging them across the room, shattering the glass in their frames. She ripped the sheets from her bed, and smashed her pillow so hard it burst and feathers flew everywhere. She threw everything around her room, turning tables on their sides, breaking whatever she could get her hands on until her room reflected how she felt inside. She wanted things to hurt, things to bleed, because why did _she_ have to when others didn't? No one would be able to understand the kind of pain she went through.

When there was nothing left to break, nothing left to shred, she finally settled down, her arms shaking from the sudden loss of adrenaline, and she collapsed on to her lopsided mattress. She looked around the room, dismayed at what she'd done, and cried. She didn't sob or weep loudly. What was the point? There was no one here to listen. She was completely silent as the tears dripped down her face and fell to the floor. Hanging her head, she felt so alone and helpless.

She hadn't felt anger like that since she'd gone through therapy all those years ago. Addy had been a different person, then. More animal than human. Who could blame her? After the things that happened to her, how could she have been expected to just slip back into the everyday? She'd built herself up in that colony based on the need to survive, and when it was over and Starfleet had come too little too late, she'd taken the fight away with her. Tarsus wasn't just something anything "left behind." It stuck with you like an open wound, festering, then calming, but never really healing. The only people that could even come close to knowing what she was going through were the kids she'd helped keep alive. But they were gone now, and it was only her sitting in her room, and it was her that had to put the pieces back together.

Addy took a few deep breaths, shoving the boiling rage down, choking the life out of it until her limbs stopped shaking and she could simply _be_ again. She had no idea how long she sat crying there, but it must have been longer than she thought, because when she asked the computer what time it was, the alpha shift only had three hours left. She contemplated going back to the bridge. Really, she should, it was her job after all, but the thought of sitting in that chair, watching the empty black race by them made her stomach turn in unpleasant ways. And she felt the start of a nasty headache, anyway, so she decided to play hookie just this once. Spock would call if they really needed her for anything.

Her feet felt heavy as she shakily stood up from her bed, deciding that a shower was in order. Snot and tears were staining her face, and then the rest of her body was wet with perspiration that was already drying itchy and uncomfortable on her skin. Why was everything so hard for her lately? First she was told Kodos was still alive, and before she could even blink around that, she was told to go get him and bring him back to Earth for his trial. Reeling, she'd been doing her best to stay composed as the _Enterprise_ hurled through space at warp towards Planet Q, but her crew still noticed that something was off. She couldn't have that; she needed their unwavering faith when she made judgment calls. Then Bones found out why they were _really_ doing this and all but took the ship away from her. That was the whole reason she hadn't told him to begin with. Addy was scared he wouldn't believe in her when she needed him most. Scared he would tell her she wasn't strong enough to do this, because truthfully, she didn't know if she was, but the hope that Bones would be there kept her going through the motions.

So what would keep her going, now?

Sighing brokenly, she stepped carefully over glass and cloth until she entered the bathroom. She'd clean her room up after her shower. When she was in the bathroom, she slowly, carefully peeled her clothes off her body. She had the lights on low at thirty percent, and looked at herself in the mirror as her dress uniform crumpled to the floor. Small white scars of all shapes and sizes riddled her arms, legs, and body. Thankfully, they'd stayed away from her face and neck, but that was about it. Normally she was proud of the marks that marred her pale skin with the demons of her past. It told everyone she was a survivor. She knew what it really took to survive by any means. She'd been tested to see how far she was willing to go, and she'd lived. But right now, she hated every single one of them, ugly reminders that they were.

Disgusted, Addy turned away from her reflection, and stepped under the spray of instantly hot water. She let the scalding droplets wash over her, relaxed by the burning prickle on her skin. She quickly washed her long hair and scrubbed her body until she was raw, and then… she just stood there. She knew she should get out, because she had to clean her room, and her head still hurt, and she should probably eat, and she was wasting a lot of their water they needed to keep recycled, but she couldn't bring herself to turn the water off. She stood there, underneath the spray, memories flashing behind her eyes, reliving Tarsus, reliving the fight she'd just had with Bones.

For the third time that day, she cried.

* * *

Addy stepped out of the shower, not bothering with clothes, and looked around her room hopelessly. How on earth was she going to get this all cleaned up? She sighed, tying her damp hair back in a loose bun, and shook her head. She could never let go like that again. She didn't care if Kodos was a day away from her, losing her anger like that was unacceptable.

'_At least I kept it inside my quarters,'_ she thought grimly, starting with her bed. She righted her mattress and gathered her sheets and pillows, frowning at the feathers that spilled from one. Great. That had been her favorite pillow, too. She threw everything in a pile on her bed to be washed and walked over to the wall by the bathroom. Pressing lightly on one of the panels, a small closet opened up, and she activated one of the vacuuming robots, letting it suck up all the shards of glass. She put the tables back on their legs, and carefully stacked her paintings and pictures. Most of her crew kept holos in lieu of the real thing, but Addy had always been a tactile person, and she liked to be able to feel the paint that an artist carefully stroked to life on a canvas in a time somewhere behind her.

When her floor was more or less clean, and she had her decorations back on their mounts, she threw her sheets and one good pillow down the laundry shoot and pulled more from inside the closet, finally shutting the door. She pulled the crisp white sheets tight over her bed before falling back against it with a loud huff. She looked out the window at the inky black of space dimly for a moment before putting an arm over her eyes and pulling a blanket over her bare chest.

"Computer, time."

"**Current Terran time – Starfleet Headquarters: 1703.**" So alpha shift was just getting over. Lovely. Spock was going to have questions. They were all going to have questions. Addy took one last shuddering breath before she ordered her room into darkness and turned away from the window, falling instantly into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

**As always, my beautiful baby birds, please leave me a review. I'm having a bit more trouble with this one because I'm trying to find the balance between something as horrific as I feel this should be, and not so horrific that it would be improbable for Addy to have recovered from it.**

**SO! Reviews! Reviews will help me!**

**Peace.**


	4. Satan is Only a Name

**Hello, baby birds!**

**Just to clear up any confusion, the large portions of italics aren't dreams, they aren't daydreams, they aren't flashbacks. I'm just telling both stories of past and present at the same time now from this point on until I decide you've heard enough from me or I've told you the whole back story.**

**Do you think Addy's being too harsh in her anger with Bones? Too petty? I think it's pretty fitting for the way I've structured her character, but give it a go and let me know!**

**Kisses!**

**MD**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Stark Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing from writing this other than creative satisfaction._**

* * *

_For the first few hours, Adelaide wondered if Frank had lost his mind, because space travel was just as wonderful as she'd imagined, so where was the punishment supposed to be? It was better than she'd thought, even. On Earth, the stars were silver diamonds clustered together over a canvas of ink so blue, it seemed black. This was not the case actually _in_ outer space. Which she'd known, of course, because Addy read those books when she was, like, four (but there was certainly a difference between logically knowing something and experiencing it for oneself). There were millions and billions and trillions of light years between stars. Once they broke Earth's atmosphere, it was nothing but a void where the solar system hung around their very own star, yellow and hot with the power of fusion. Even with the windows tinted to almost becoming opaque, sol was still a bit bright to look at directly without straining the eyes._

_Addy never wanted to land on a planet again._

_Their ship wasn't especially large or grand. It was a simple passenger carrying the 20 others, the piloting crew, and Addy to Tarsus IV. It was very far from Earth, even at warp, and they had three days of getting to know each other. She'd caught one of the pilots in her off shift, curious about this new planet. It was a planet completely different than Earth, with different constellations in the sky, different soil, and a different sky. She wanted to know everything before she landed so that she wouldn't look too ridiculous when she stepped off the ship and was dumbfounded by the world around her._

_Tarsus was a rather temperate place, though warmer than what Addy was used to on Earth. The colony was currently the only settlement on the whole planet (which was ¾ the size of Earth), located on the edge of an expansive forest. The atmosphere was on the thing side, but still breathable, and according to this pilot, when the two suns were high in the above the planet, the sky was the most brilliant shade of green._

_Apparently Adelaide had family there. Aunt Lilith and Uncle Henry; her mother's sister and husband. They'd met before, but only when Addy was a newborn. She was both wary and interested by these people. The word family had little meaning to the teenager, abused as it had been by people that she'd been raised expecting to protect her. But from the holos Addy had found around the house, this Lilith woman _looked_ kind enough. She had Winona's same blonde curls (the same unruly mane poor Adelaide had inherited), and light caramel brown eyes. She was short, plump, and had a warm smile, but Addy was loath to trust anyone without having met them first. Still… despite her best efforts, she had hope for her aunt and uncle and what this opportunity could mean for her._

_The three days passed quickly in a blur of books and 3D chess (a game Addy had never played much before, but discovered she liked quite a lot). When they got to Tarsus, Addy could barely keep her face away from the window next to her seat. Breaking through the 'sphere wasn't as bad here since it was thinner, but it still gave them all a good jostle. Addy could barely contain herself, she was so excited. Whether Lilith and Henry turned out to be just like Frank didn't matter anymore. She'd gone through space, and she was somewhere new. Forget being in a different country, she was on a new fucking _planet_!_

_And yes, when she stepped out of the craft and felt the hot, dry air whip through her poofy curls, and saw the apple green sky and the rust red grass, she couldn't help her eyes from going wide and her mouth dropping in wonder._

_She foresaw many similar scenarios in her distant future._

* * *

Addy startled awake when the computer set off her alarm for her shift, disoriented. She looked around, her mind still stuck in the comfortable black of a dreamless, nightmare-less sleep. She shook it, and the cobwebs shifted, and she remembered. This was her alarm to get up for her alpha shift.

She threw the blanket off her and quickly hopped off her mattress lest she give in to temptation and _really_ screw things up with Bones and then bring Spock in to this whole ordeal. With one last longing look at her bed, she darted off to the bathroom, stumbling in the pitch black of her room. The door opened, so she knew Spock had most likely already had his shower (the other's door automatically locked when one of them was in the bathroom). Unfortunately for Addy, she didn't have that luxury. She'd woken up to the last possible alarm she could and still make it to the bridge on time. She groaned in frustration when she walked in, the lights flashing on, and she saw her hair. Like a moron, she'd fallen asleep with it wet and in a bun, without brushing it or anything, and now she looked almost feral. Her curls, exacerbated by the loose bindings, were flying every which way, and she had no hope of brushing it to straightness, even if she _did_ have the time. Annoyed, she stepped in the shower, turning on the water just to wet her hair and make it manageable.

She dashed out, quickly combed it through, and pulled it up in to a high bun, tight and confining on her treacherous locks. She beat back feelings of panic when she asked for the time. She had two minutes to get dressed and be up the door before she was late. She ripped a clean uniform out from her closet, and jumped in to her under shirt and leggings before she threw the yellow dress over her head and grabbed her boots. Running out her door, she almost tripped as she tried to slip on her boots while not actually stopping. She got some giggles and snorts from her crew, which she quickly sent away with a vicious glare. She only finished with her boots and zipping up her uniform when she stepped in to the turbolift. Panting slightly from her exertion, she jammed the button for the bridge, and leaned the wall with an exhausted huff.

She felt better this morning, she realized. Well… sort of. She still felt stressed and afraid and angry, but she'd gotten better rest than she had when she'd first heard that Kodos was alive.

Boy _that_ had been fun.

There were only nine people in existence that could positively identify that monster. The Tarsus 9. Addy was one of those nine. The list was culminated of a group of children – obviously older now – that had seen Kodos' face on the day of the massacre, but had escaped certain death and survived exile long enough for Starfleet to rescue them. She didn't know why they had been deemed so important by Starfleet if they'd truly thought Kodos was dead, but the list was so heavily guarded with _above_ top-secret clearance that only the actual Nine and the very tip top of Starfleet command could look at the names and current contact information without setting off alarms. Like… only the _very_ way high up in the ionosphere of Starfleet could see that. Admiral Marcus couldn't even look at that list, and he was almost as high as you could get up the food chain.

Addy had looked at it a few times over her life. Not to try and really keep in touch with the other eight children, because regardless of how close they had been on Tarsus, she didn't want to come barreling in to their lives as stark reminders of something truly horrific. She really only cared about one of those people so much to disregard her hesitancy and that was Kevin. She'd connected with that young boy better than any of the others she'd tried to save, and though their different lives made it hard to keep in regular contact, she made a point of knowing where he was and checking in every once in a while. She hadn't spoken to him since before the _Kobayashi Maru_ incident, however.

She hoped to God it wasn't Kevin that had spotted Kodos. Or Anton Karidian as he was known these days, it seemed. She couldn't imagine going about her daily life, not even thinking of Tarsus, when his face suddenly appeared out of a crowd. She thought of what she would have done most likely and cringed at the graphic violence her mind instantly supplied.

She _really_ hoped it hadn't been Kevin.

Of course, she couldn't ask, because the orders hadn't come from someone without the kind of clearance to know which of the nine had spotted this man, and he wouldn't have given her that info even if he did unless he knew _she_ had the clearance. Which she did. She had better clearance when it came to Tarsus than almost everybody in the universe. But she couldn't tell any old body that without giving them protocol codes way above their paygrade and making some important people very angry with her.

Addy blinked out of her thoughts when the turbolift doors opened, and she saw the flashes of color of her crew's uniforms. She smiled. She felt bad for shirking her duties yesterday, and she knew she'd have to answer for it now, but she was glad she'd done it. It had allowed her the space to cool off, and she was able to come back to this space without it feeling like it was another notch on the list of things stressing her out recently. She had more than enough to deal with. She didn't want what she loved doing more than anything to be tainted with her bitterness as well.

She took a couple steps out of the turbo and let the door shut behind her. There were a few nods from people close to her, and she returned them with a grin. She left her arms loose at her sides and silently watched her people work as an Orion that was closest to the door announced the Captain was on the bridge. A few heads snapped over to look at her with curious/suspicious/worried looks, no wonder questioning what Bones had deemed so important, and then why she had never returned to her shift. She smiled pleasantly at them. They would have questions, and she would answer them, but only in private.

Addy walked over to her chair, directly in the center, and sat down with a soft sigh. She pushed a few buttons on her right arm, reading the reports of the end of her shift yesterday on the little display screen, and frowned.

"Commander Spock?" she called out. He turned away from whatever calculations he had been conducting at his station and stood smoothly, clasping his hands behind his back and walking to stand beside her.

"Yes, Captain?"

"What is this?" He looked down to what she was pointing at before looking blankly at her face. He blinked.

"I believe that is your built-in display screen on your–"

"No, no, that's not what I meant," she rolled her eyes. "What is this here in your report? Something about a miscalculation on Mr. Sulu's part, but you added no further details."

"Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekov initially calculated the projected time to Planet Q to be that of 84 hours 12 minutes at warp factor three. During last alpha shift Mr. Chekov informed me of a discovered magnetic field in the planet's atmosphere, known to distort sensors and readings, and recalculated the time to be much sooner than previously anticipated. I made a note of it in my Acting Captain's log and continued on with the duties expected of me."

Addy's face was pale. Wait… they were going to get there _sooner_ than they originally thought? She whirled her head on a tense Ensign Chekov and Helmsman, no doubt listening to the conversation behind them and waiting her admonishments.

"How long?" she asked them hoarsely. Chekov jumped, looking over at his friend nervously before turning around. His curls even seemed nervous and they bounced lightly against his forehead.

"We should be arriwing within three hours, Keptin," he stammered anxiously. She tightened her grip on her chair, nodding stiffly. She took a big gulp of air, stilling her wild heartbeat. She looked back up at Spock who was watching every nuance of her face quiet curiously. She carefully schooled her expression into professional neutrality.

"Mr. Spock, gather the department heads in meeting room 3 within twenty minute for a debriefing, please. Seems like we need to prepare to get this bastard much sooner than I'd originally thought." He nodded once.

"Aye, Captain."

Addy sighed heavily and wiped a hand over her face. So much for a better day.

"Why wasn't this magnetic field found and accounted for with the initial calculations, Mr. Chekov?" He cringed and looked down at his hands.

"Sorry, Keptin. I was not expecting such a thing when I was locating the planet. I did not read any reports about the planet until after you… left. I take full responsibility, Keptin." Addy regarded the boy. As a Captain, it was her job to discipline such a mistake, but she liked the Russian whiz kid. He was earnest and dedicated himself to his job wholeheartedly. He was a good officer, but still only seventeen, and as such, she didn't hold it too much against the man.

"We'll talk more about this later, Ensign." He gulped and turned back to his station miserably.

"Understood, Keptin." Addy stood from her chair, rolling her shoulders and took one last look around the bridge before setting off for the door leading to the hallway.

"Mr. Spock, you have the conn," she said, looking for his nod of recognition before walking through the door and setting off for the meeting room. She had to prepare all the info she had been given about Kodos… Anton Karidian, before the debriefing. The meeting room was one of the smaller ones, but big enough that everyone would be able to fit comfortably. She chose it because it had the best display screen. When she walked through the door, she picked up a PADD lying around and accessed her personal files using her Captain's codes and downloaded the package with Karidian's current information from Starfleet.

Exactly twenty minutes later she looked up to the sound of her heads chatting as they walked into the room. Sulu and Chekov came in first, followed by Spock and Uhura, then Bones, Witwer (the man she'd first known as Cupcake all those years ago and also her head of security), and Obst, her head of the tactical department. She waited patiently as they settled around the room before starting.

"Thank you gathering on such short notice," she started, seeing Chekov and Sulu blushing out of the corner of her eye. "I gathered you all here to debrief you on the target. Approximately 69 hours ago, Starfleet told me a criminal previously believed to be dead was spotted by irrefutable sources on Planet Q." She pushed a button and a picture of Kodos, young, and exactly how he haunted her nightmares, flashed up on the screen behind her. She stared at his cold eyes on her PADD for a few moments, feeling the warmth of the rage from yesterday curl in the back of her mind.

"How many of you remember the Tarsus IV incident?" Every face flashed with surprise except for Bones (who was watching her like a hawk) and Spock (who never looked like anything), and most of the people raised their hands, but there were a few who looked clueless. Addy wasn't surprised. There had been a lot of brushing under the carpet after Tarsus. Starfleet didn't like the blip on their record of mistakes that Tarsus was.

"18 years ago, Tarsus IV had a new colony of 8,000 settlers making their way in life when an unforeseen tragedy struck in the form of a fungus that infected their food supply." Addy stared down at the red goatee, and the red points of his moustache. Her arms shook. She could feel Bones' eyes on her, looking for any sign that this was getting to be too much. She flung the memories back and took a deep breath. She could do this. She was the Captain of the _Enterprise._ She could handle this.

"This is Kodos, a self-proclaimed governor, currently living under the alias Anton Karidian. He ordered a sanctioned massacre of half the population based on his own idea of eugenics under the guise of making the food in storage last longer." There were a few horrified gasps and noises of disgust as Addy pushed another button and a picture came up of the dead corn and wheat, their roots still stuck in the ground and covered in brightly colored spores.

"Starfleet thought Kodos had died when his runaway shuttle crashed and exploded, and they only retrieved one body burned beyond recognition. However, new evidence was submitted, a witness questioned, and we have every reason to believe that this man –" she pushed the last button where a blurry picture of Kodos, aged significantly but obviously the same came up on screen "– is the same monster that killed 4,000 innocent lives under the ruse of self-preservation."

Addy glared at the picture, furious. Kodos was surrounded by people, all laughing. He was _smiling_. She wanted to rip the smile off his wrinkled face. She looked away from the picture, trying to stem her anger, and gauged the mood of her crew. Most of them looked horrified. A couple looked like they were going to be sick to their stomach. Almost all of them looked angry. Except for Spock. His eyes were centered directly on her, making her start at the intensity she saw. Uhura sat next to him, a hand covering her mouth, her eyes watering, but he had no attention for the man on the screen behind the Captain. She felt like he was searching her brain for something, which was ridiculous, because Vulcans were touch-telepaths, and there was no way he could read her mind without bodily contact unless they were bonded which they were _not_, thank you very much.

"Our mission is to retrieve this criminal and bring him back to Earth to stand trial for the crimes he committed against the Federation. Are there any questions?" Witwer raised her hand, and Addy nodded at him, allowing him the floor to speak.

"Who is this 'irrefutable source' that saw this man, and why now?" Addy blipped the display down and logged out of the PADD, putting it to sleep.

"You don't have the clearance to ask, nor do I have the clearance to tell you, Mr. Witwer," she said cooly. He frowned, but nodded and crossed his arms. She looked around the room expectantly, leaving the silence open for anyone that had any other questions. When there were none, she continues with her debrief, deciding to wrap it up.

"I will be going down to the planet with a small away team to apprehend this man. Mr. Witwer, I need two of your people; no brutes, I don't want to scare him off, but make sure they are capable in case he tries to resist. Mr. Spock, please tell the brig they are expecting a high-alert criminal and to prepare an isolated holding cell. There is to be no contact with this man when he is on board. No one is to speak to him or give him any information on where he is going. Don't let his old age fool you into thinking he's pliant. Kodos always has been and always will be an evil, intelligent, and cunning man, and he is to be treated as such until sentenced on Earth. Understood?"

Everybody nodded, tense and grim faced. She hated doing this to her people. Hated burdening them with the atrocities he'd done. They didn't know the half of it, though. Didn't _really_ know the kind of horror this man had instilled on the colony, the kind of power he'd wielded from that fear. If she could help it, they never would. Addy suppressed a sigh. She wanted this day to be over already and be asleep back in her room where she could lose a few hours to her subconscious and forget the turmoil in her life.

"Dismissed. Mr. Witwer, have your team ready to go in transporter room 2 in three hours." Her heads nodded and stood, talking in hushed tones over the new information. She looked at them all for a moment before making her way towards the door, but she was intercepted by Bones, looking worried and worn down. She stopped, standing stiffly in front of him, her eyes narrowing.

"What is it, Mr. McCoy?" she snapped. His face fell when he realized how angry she still was over what he'd said to her yesterday. She was not one to forgive easy, and that part of her personality usually was much more lenient with her best friend, but he'd said one of the only things that could truly hurt her, and it had hurt even worse coming from _his_ mouth. It didn't matter if it was out of concern for her well-being. He'd crossed a line for her, and she would need some time before she could put it behind her.

"I wanna go with ya," he said softly. She folded her arms over her chest.

"No."

"Look, none of those muscle head _know_, okay? I'm not _tryna_ find an excuse to getcha outta the chair, kid. I'm tryna make sure you come home in one piece." His eyes twinkled stubbornly, and she knew that certain sparkle meant he was being particularly stubborn and wouldn't take no for an answer. She barely refrained from rolling her eyes and forcibly shoving him out of her way.

"Fine. Don't get in my way." She pushed past him, the warm tendrils of anger trying to push their way to the surface once more, but she stamped them down. Never again. She would never lose herself like that again.

Addy left the meeting room and started making her way towards the bridge. She had a little under three hours to prepare herself to confront arguably the biggest demon of her past, beam down to the planet, hunt him down, and bring him back without any incident or losing her cool. How was she supposed to do that, again?

* * *

"_You look lost, child." Addy jumped, looking to her left. A man stood, watching her amusedly. She blushed. Damn it, she told herself she wasn't going to gape, hadn't she? She eyed him suspiciously._

_He wore a black shirt and black slacks with matching shoes and a belt. It made his already pale skin seemingly glow in the harsh sunlight. He had a receding hairline of bright fiery orange hair, a small goatee, and a mustache that reminded of her pirates from the bedtime stories her mother had liked to read to her as a baby. He was gaunt, wraith-like, and his dark green eyes shone with intelligence, but there was something about him that she didn't like. He was too… clean. He was unnatural. She shifted away from him uncomfortably._

"_First time off planet?" he asked. She nodded mutely. He smiled warmly._

"_Well then, welcome to Tarsus IV. I am Lieutenant-Commander Kodos. Maybe you could step down and let the good people behind you off the ship? You've all had a long journey, I'm sure." Addy flushed and hurried down the walkway, letting the others off the shuttle with an apologetic smile. When she turned back around, Kodos was standing right behind her. She jumped once again and stepped him out of her personal space._

"_What's your name?" She thought about it for a moment, deciding if it could hurt her in any way for him to know her by name._

"_Addy…" she relented hesitantly._

"_Addy. Pleasure. Are you here by yourself?" She nodded. Kodos frowned._

"_Not much for talking, are you?" She shrugged. He sighed._

"_Well come along, then. Let's go see if we can't find you somewhere to stay." She frowned. She already had somewhere to stay. Then she realized, like a moron, that when he asked if she was here by herself, he meant here to stay on the planet._

"_Actually, I already have somewhere," she called out, stopping him and making him turn back to her. "I travelled here by myself, but my aunt and uncle are settlers and offered to let me stay with them." _

"_How kind of them," he smiled. "They should be waiting over towards this area. Follow me." Addy trailed behind him, relaxing slightly. He didn't seem so bad. Maybe she was just too suspicious of people._

_Soon enough, they were leaving the shuttle docking station and the full blast of the heat hit Addy in the face. It was _hot_. How did they stand it here? Kodos chuckled at her when he saw the desperate look in her eyes. He stopped when she brightened and pointed at a woman with her blonde curls and brown eyes, waiting anxiously._

"_That's your aunt, I presume?" Addy nodded. Kodos regarded the woman for a moment before looking down at Addy. "Then I shall leave you here. I have other duties to see to. Welcome, once again Addy, to Kodos. I hope you enjoy your time here."_

_She watched in silence as the man turned and left. How he could stand to wear all that black was beyond her. She would have shriveled up like a husk by now and died. She shook her head and walked through the crowd to her aunt. Addy was surprised to find that she was already as tall as the short woman._

"_Oh Adelaide," the woman cooed, looking her over lovingly, "look at you! Henry, look at how big she's gotten! Oh, to think the last time I saw you, you could fit in my arms. And now you've grown so big, and just like your father. Poor thing got ort mother's hair, though." Addy blinked as Lilith pulled her in to a tight hug. The woman talked faster than Addy's brain could process the words, making small noises of affection touching her face in adoration. Addy was floored. No one touched her like this except her mother, and she'd been gone for months._

"_Lilith," Henry admonished softly, "let the girl go. Look at her, she's sweating all her weight away. Wait until we get her home before you smother her to death." _

"_Dear me, you're right! Oh, I'm sorry Adelaide, darling, I'm just so excited to have you here!" Addy nodded numbly, shuffling off behind them towards their car. She threw her one bag on the seat next to her as Henry started up the engine, and she smiled softly to herself, looking out the window at the green sky._

_She had the sneaking suspicion that she was going to enjoy herself quite a lot here._

* * *

**Alright, minions! You know the drill. This is the part where I shamelessly beg for your love and a review telling me what you liked/didn't like, and then comes the part where you leave me a review of love telling me what you liked/didn't like.**

**[/insert shameless beg]**

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**Peace.**


	5. We Might As Well Be Strangers

**Hello, darlings!**

**I really like how this chapter turned out. It took me a lot of time, but I'm very happy with the finished product. I hope you all like it as much as I do! Please leave me some lovely reviews and let me know how you feel about everything that happens. Kevin shows up. Bones and Addy come to a head. Is their confrontation believable? Do you think Addy went too far or Bones wasn't understanding enough of how she felt? Let me know, your reviews really help me flesh out these characters better and make the story worth writing.  
**

**Kisses!**

**MD**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing from writing this other than creative satisfaction.**_

* * *

_Soon after landing on Tarsus IV, Addy's life soon settled into something she could only call… well, she didn't know _what_ to call it, to be honest. Certainly not easy, like she'd expected. Henry and Lillith kept her too busy with chores and helping out on their farm for it to be easy. She was up before the sun, already feeding the livestock, watering Lillith's herb garden, collecting eggs, replacing old water for the animals and helping with breakfast. And that was just the _start_ of her day. Her life was far from easy._

_But it was the closest thing to happy she'd felt since she first learned how to read and discovered her father's library. Her skin was slowly browning in the constant sunlight, and her hair gradually lightening. The rays from this sun were weaker than earth, this star was older, but the planet was just inside the habitable zone, making the temperature warmer. It saved Addy from needing sunblock, though, which was a plus since her skin was so sensitive to sunlight. Her aunt kept saying that would change as she got older, but for now, the sun was her enemy. And the food was basic, meaning that Addy didn't have to carefully pick out her every meal to avoid hives and a rash or – worst case scenario – a closed wine pipe. Grains, meat, basic vegetables that she'd always been able to stomach if not enjoy… it was a relief to not have to monitor her food intake so religiously. Even having so much food to eat was a novelty for her as Frank greatly enjoyed starving her for her imagined crimes in "his house."_

_But it wasn't easy._

_Addy found it surprisingly difficult to trust her relatives, despite their generous hospitality and their warm hearts. She was especially skittish around Henry. And yeah, yeah, before you get started, she _knew_ already how silly it was to fear a whole gender based on the actions of one douche canoe. Logically, she knew how ridiculous she was being, but she'd spent too many times under her step-father's fist to be comfortable around men (or adults, really) without time around them to see for herself that they weren't a threat. She kept waiting for the other shoe to fall and the beatings to begin here, too. She tensed every time Henry reached for a strong drink or pat her on the back._

_Adelaide could see her aunt and uncle knew there was something wild and angry about her. They would watch her when they thought she wasn't looking and shared meaningful looks over her head they thought she didn't understand. And then, of course, there had been that first night where Lillith had seen the bruises. Addy hadn't been thinking about the blue and purple blotches under her skin. She hardly noticed the pain anymore. She'd only wanted to strip over her top layers and sleep after the long voyage through space._

_As soon as she'd unbuttoned her shirt and let it fall off her shoulders, she'd heard a sharp gasp from behind her and looked at her aunt over her shoulder, startled. The blonde woman was holding one hand over her mouth, eyes wide, and her other hand to her chest, her gaze locked on Addy's discolored shoulder. She'd looked down at the ugly color and cursed to herself for such carelessness. She could already see the questions forming; the theories and dread. Addy scrambled for some reason to give, some explanation that would deflect her aunt's attention away from step-father. She had no idea if she could trust these people, she'd only just met them, and if they found out about what it was like for her at home, what would they do? Would they call Frank? Winona? The authorities? What could they possibly do for her, legally? Her mother was still alive, and married; her aunt and uncle had no say about what could happen to her. And besides, why would anyone cared what happened to her? She was a nobody._

_Lilith had looked up into Addy's sharp blue eyes, and the teenager could see they were shiny with unshed tears. Her aunt had been waiting for some kind of explanation, but she gave none. Simply blinked at the older woman and turned away, continuing on with her tasks. She didn't want to lie to someone that was giving her shelter and food, but that didn't mean Lillith was entitled to her life story. She'd anxiously waited for the sound of her aunt retreating down the hallway to hear own room, and hadn't let out her breath until the floorboards creaked._

_For the next week, she'd made herself scarce around the house hold, and was sure to cover her injuries no matter the temperature, to avoid any pesky confrontations. Lillith hadn't come to her about it, which Addy appreciated, save for a long stare the next morning at breakfast. _

_She'd been here nearly two months now, and Adelaide couldn't honestly say she _trusted_ these people, not yet. But she was certainly more comfortable around them than she had been. Addy pondered all of this as she walked through the forest, enjoying the damp, cool air. Leaves and twigs crunched under her boots as she followed and animal trail. She loved the forest. She spent most of her time here, exploring the untamed wilderness. She felt more at home with plants and animals in their natural state of kill or be killed than she did in the pretty, little house behind her. Her relatives had warned her against wandering too far from the colony on account that not all animals had been recorded and categorized, and it was dangerous. But they let her be so long as she kept up with the chores. So far she'd discovered several plants similar to those she'd seen on Earth, and many that was alien to her. She'd found a stream of cold water and followed it upstream a great many miles to an expansive lake that took her breath away. She'd explored much of the area around the lake and even found a cave not too far away from the shore. She'd cautiously inspected the inside and found it was larger than the opening led her to believe._

_It was on one such exploratory walk that Addy thought over her time here on Tarsus and the family she had here, when she literally stumbled onto a small child. She gasped and threw herself backward to keep from tripping over the small boy and hurting him, landing hard on her ass where a tree root dug into her hip painfully. Wincing, she moved gingerly off the offending piece of earth and examined the child carefully. She panicked when she saw he was unconscious and crawled over to him in a rush. Tear tracks stained his dirty face, and his eyes were red and puffy from crying. His left knee was cut and she could see blood, but it had long since dried. Holding a hand over his mouth and nose, she relaxed when she felt his small breaths and took a more extensive look at him now that she knew he was alive._

_His clothes, under the expected grime of the forest, were very nice. His brown hair was trimmed into a boyish hairstyle, and his cheeks were still chubby with youth. He was so __**small**__, and Addy wondered how she'd ever been that size. She found two other cuts, and an impressive goose egg hiding under his hair, but otherwise he was unharmed, and for that, she was grateful. She was wondering how on earth he'd gotten this far from the town when the boy whimpered and stirred beneath her. She tensed as his dark brown eyes blinked open and looked up at her groggily._

_The pair stared at each other for a couple heartbeats in silence before the boy's face crumpled and he burst into tears. Addy's heart fell. What had she done wrong? Just as she was moving to back away from the boy, he flung himself in her lap and wrapped his tiny arms around her neck, sobbing into her neck. She froze, not comprehending exactly how this was happening, but calmed herself with the knowledge that this was a young boy no older than four years old. Obviously lost and separated from his family and terrified out of his mind. He was probably cold and hungry, too. Then Addy found him, and he didn't know what to do with himself he was so relieved to see another person. He hadn't meant to startle her by invading her space._

_With this realization, she relaxed and wrapped her arms around him, making him cry even harder. She tried to remember what her mother would do when Addy was a child and woke from a nightmare. She stroked his hair and rocked slowly, whispering in a soft voice words of comfort. She felt awkward, and like she wasn't really the one trying to calm this child down, like she was only pretending (which, in a sense, she was). She didn't know how to handle a situation like this. Crying made her uncomfortable. It had never solved any of her problems and often times brought Frank's wrath down on her harder, and was shocked when others let go of themselves so easily. And that wild, angry part of her didn't know how to interact normally with humans anymore and despised such signs of weakness to the point of disgust. But with the little brown haired lump of flesh clinging to her for all he was worth, she didn't seem to mind as much._

_Several minutes later, and the boy calmed his wild sobs and hiccups to sniffles and the occasional broken sigh. _

"_Feel better?" she asked hesitantly. The boy nodded without letting go of her and she sighed. "What's your name?"_

"…_Kevin," he whispered before turning his face away from her neck and looking out towards the trees by her shoulder. She pursed her lips and awkwardly stood to her feet, almost toppling over with the extra weight. At least he wasn't suffering any memory problems, so he was probably fine other than the scare of being lost in the woods all by himself. She turned towards home and walked on, cursing how late it was. She needed to hurry home; the forest would be impossible to navigate at night._

* * *

The end of three hours saw Adelaide on the cranky end of her mood spectrum. She was standing in the transporter room, tapping her foot impatiently. Bones was leaning against the wall next to her, his arms crossed, lost in thought, and that was just fine with her. She didn't know if she could handle speaking to him right now. Any minute her two security escorts were going to walk through that door, and then she was going to give the order to the red shirts at their stations to ready the trans pad and the hunt for Kodos would begin.

How fucking wonderful.

Addy pulled irritably at her civilian shirt. It was a deep ocean blue with splashes of greens and purples in an abstract pattern. She had dark black skinny jeans, and classic black converse high tops with a black leather jacket. She had her hair up in a half ponytail and a light dusting of makeup on. Bones was wearing weather blue jeans and a brown v-neck over a white cotton shirt with the sleeves pulled up to his elbows and his favorite pair of cowboy boots. Simple and clean, and if she weren't so pissed off at him, Addy would be sneaking looks at her best friend and admiring that extremely well-toned body he had the bad habit of hiding. As it stood, she was doing her very best to ignore his entire presence, and breathed gratefully when the door to the transporter room whooshed open and two men walked in, followed by her first officer.

Their grim faces filled her with a small kind of grief, and she wished she could do this on her own, but past experience had taught her how stupid it was to take Kodos on by herself. Addy had her pride and the bad habit of letting it put her in danger before she asked for help, but she found it wasn't hard to set it aside this time. Though, she had to admit, she wished she didn't have to bring her people into this. She _wished_ she had the means and the peace of mind to go get this fucker all by her lonesome, but just the thought of it made her hands tremble.

With a frustrated sigh, she pushed off from the wall (ignoring Bones when he followed her) and walked over to the three men. She knew the security officers Witwer had sent over; at least she recognized their faces. She couldn't seem to recall their names, however. She frowned and worried at her lip for a moment before opening her mouth to speak.

"Gentlemen," she said with a nod, "thank you for your help. I want this to go as smoothly as possible, no hiccups no mistakes. None of us needs to be a hero. This man is dangerous, and I want all four of us back here, _alive_, am I understood?" The two men nodded stiffly. They looked rather pale. Poor guys.

"Yes, Captain," the answered her somberly. She nodded crisply and turned to Spock, but he was examining Bones with faint curiosity. She knew how uncomfortable Bones was with the Vulcan and could only imagine how hard it was to not squirm under such an intense gaze. Addy wanted to giggle, but her mood was too sour for such a merry action.

"Commander?" Spock blinked and looked over at her.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Something wrong?"

"No, Captain. I was merely attempting to perceive the reason why Doctor McCoy is accompanying you when you yourself spoke of the importance of a small team." Addy shrugged and decided to go with a half-truth.

"He insisted." Spock thought over this for a moment before turning to the southern man behind her.

"May I query as to the reason why, Doctor?" Addy tensed at that, she knew this could go very badly for her if Bones suddenly decided this trip would be too much to handle or he was just feeling like a spiteful bastard. However mad at him she was though, she doubted he would do something just to be mean to her. He'd felt betrayed when she hadn't told him about Kodos, sure, but he was still a southern gentleman through and through, and was the closest person to Addy in her whole life. He cared for her, and he wouldn't just toss that in the garbage at the first sign of trouble.

"Sure ya can," Bones snarked, "but I wouldn' answer seein' as my reasons are real personal like."

"I see," was all Spock responded with before pursing his lips and turning to one of the transporter techs. Addy let out a deep breath at the near catastrophe, and flashed Bones a grateful look before hardening her face. She _was_ still pissed at him, after all.

"All right, men," she spoke to the three guys in front of her, "I've been told by Starfleet command that Anton Karidian is the ring leader of an acting troupe currently settled down on this planet for some fair they have going on. Now stay close to each other, but don't look like we're all together. Doctor McCoy and I will walk around picking up what information we can, and I want you two to follow behind and keep a watch on things. You've both seen his face, right?" The two security men nodded stiffly. "Good, keep an eye out for him, and if you see him, alert me immediately, but don't pursue him without company."

Addy shook her head as the three men walked on the beaming pad, and she put her fists on her hips, watching them for a moment before sighing and running a hand through her curls. She let her fear stew in her belly as she turned to her first officer for her parting orders.

"Commander?" Spock stopped what he was saying and turned his head around to look at her cooly.

"Yes, Captain?" She bit her lip, feeling her hands breaking out in a sweat. Fuck, but she didn't want to do this. She really, _really_ didn't want to do this. Like… she would rather go live with Frank again than do this mission. She rubbed her clammy hands against her dark jeans anxiously and did her very best to school her face into the perfect mask of professionalism.

"I'll check-in with you in two hours, and the four of us will return in three no matter what. Is the brig ready?" He nodded once.

"Aye, Captain."

"Good, good… that's good." She trailed off, avoiding looking at the beaming pad at all costs. Shit, she felt like she was going to cry. Addy took a shaky breath in as everyone in the room waited for her to move up to the pad. The fear in her stomach spiked, and her traitorous hands shook. She shoved them in her pockets and sighed, picking up her heavy feat and making the few steps up to her place on the beaming pad. Her heart was pumping blood at a wild pace, and her head felt light. Bones was standing next to her, and she could almost feel the trails of his eyes on her skin. It was making her nauseated. Shit, she hoped she didn't puke in front of everyone.

"E-energize," she ordered shakily, and with a faint purr and bright yellow light, she felt a push to and pull from all directions, and a popping sensation before everything went black.

* * *

It was evening on down on planet Q, and Adelaide was grateful for the jacket she'd thought to wear, as there was a bite to the air she hadn't expected. Bones shivered and pulled down the sleeves of his shirt with a frown. With a look behind her, she saw her security men were dressed in warm casual clothes, and was astounded with how out of her game she was if she was only realizing now that her men weren't dressed in uniform. She needed to keep it together. She needed to be stronger than this.

"Well," she said slowly, looking over toward the lights of the fair, "now or never, I suppose. Good luck to everybody." There was a soft murmur of agreement between her three companions and with a short nod, Addy and Bones set off toward the sounds of the festival. The other two wisely waited before following after, so people wouldn't think they were here together, and she was pleased with Witwer's choice in men. She swallowed heavily as they drew closer to the crowds of people, and drew her hands from her pockets to cross over her chest. Her heart was still beating at a wild pace, and her hands were still clammy, but the cool air helped settle her stomach, so at least she didn't have to worry about emptying her stomach for the moment.

"So," Bones said. She stiffened as they crossed over from the grassy plain to gravel and the different booths of the fair. "How are ya?" Addy narrowed her eyes without looking to her side.

"Oh, that's rich," she muttered darkly. Bones stopped walking instantly and grabbed her upper arm, whirling her around to face him. She glared up at his face harshly, and was shocked to see not a scowl, but a deep look of hurt over his face. His warm hazel eyes were bright with the lights of the fair behind her, but they cut her deep to a place in her chest with their pain. She felt a flush of guilt for how horribly she'd been treating him without realizing how much it hurt Bones to keep him so far at a distance like this.

"Alright, that's it," he said darkly, "I've had enough of yer tantrum. Yer pissed, I get it. I stepped over a line for ya, and ya don' appreciate my threats. But do ya have any fuckin' idea how much I've been worryin' about ya?" Addy opened her mouth to throw a sharp response back, but he shook his head.

"No, shut up and listen." She snapped her mouth shut, glaring up at him and battling her anger and guilt. "Do ya remember when I first found out about Tarsus?" Addy's face softened and she nodded softly.

That had been a bad day for everyone.

_Adelaide hated doctors. All those checkups and exams and nudity and questions when they saw her scars. And those hands. Always covered in plastic gloves and so harsh. So unfeeling. So demanding for total access to her life. So… so fucking _dominating_. She'd been dominated before in her life, in the worst ways, and it had been a lasting experience for her that she knew would sit on her soul like a stone for the rest of her life._

_Doctors brought up too many memories for her. _

_She __**hated**__ doctors._

_Lucky for her that one of her first friends in Starfleet happened to be one. Bones. Bones, Bones, Bonesy Bones. It had been on that very first shuttle out of Iowa that she'd learned he was a medical professional. He'd been a doctor down in Georgia before his ex-wife had screwed him over in the divorce and he'd enlisted. Now he was going to Starfleet to study to be a doctor on starships. At first, when she'd learned that, she'd had an immediate distrust for the man, no matter how handsome and likable. But he rolled with her eccentricities easily, going with the flow of her life as smoothly as water flowed over rocks, and he truly seemed concerned for her well-being above all else. He didn't seem to be after a way to control her decisions through medical advice, which she appreciated. But yet…_

_He was a doctor._

_She was at a crossroads. She _had_ to have a physician in Starfleet, as well as a physical she'd been avoiding, and a good bill of health to go into space. She couldn't advance without one, and she didn't think she could _live_ with one. But maybe… just maybe Bones would do._

_Addy asked him first, and he'd seemed confused, but happy enough, if the board would allow it._

_They hadn't._

_Well… not at first, anyway. Mr. McCoy was still a student and not yet a Starfleet approved medical professional and they would much prefer someone with several years of experience under the belt for someone they had so much hope for. Addy was firm in her decision though. He was already a doctor before enlisting, she'd said. He was for three years before coming to San Francisco, she'd said. He's got the experience with humans and I'm not alien, and he knows the modern technology at hand, she'd said._

_They'd still said no._

_Then she'd threatened to walk, and they'd finally (grudgingly) relented, but only if another professional of their choosing could look over his findings and reports before putting them down on record. Addy had conceded when she'd made sure their own doctor wouldn't actually be in the room with her during the physical, and boom. Done._

_Now there was the problem of her body. _

_Riddled with scars and burns after her time being tortured on Tarsus IV, she knew Bones would have questions. She'd stayed the whole night before her appointment, wracking her brain for a suitable excuse. They were too numerous to claim childhood clumsiness. Some of them she could chalk up to Frank's methods of "raising" her, and she wouldn't even be lying about it, but that still left a lot of her story unaccounted for. With growing dread, she'd walked across the quad to the teaching hospital, feeling with every step she should have just called her own bluff and left. This was stupid, how was Bones ever going to be able to look at her the same after he saw her today? She should have just chosen a stranger and bared it for the thirty minutes the exam and questions would take and never gone back. Why had she thought a friend would be better? Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_The receptionist had called Bones to let him know his appointment was here, and a nurse with black hair and eyes and walked her to the exam room with a smile. She'd strapped a device around Addy's arm and had her sit on a biobed, and her vitals had popped up on the screen imbedded in the wall and left with a reassurance that her doctor would be here soon._

_Bones had been awkward at first, fumbling over his words while he went through the preliminary questions, especially when he asked about her menstrual cycle. She'd been tempted to tease him for the blush on his face, but she'd been too wracked with her own nerves to listen to her compulsion. The questions weren't a problem. She had no qualms telling him the answers. Hell, she wouldn't have minded telling the board of admirals, she cared that little about being embarrassed over her bodily functions._

_No, it was the future lack of clothing that had been the problem. For once._

_As soon as she'd stripped down to her undergarments, she'd regretted ever joining Starfleet. Bones was dead silent, staring at the evidence of what could only be gruesome torture carved into her skin. Addy hadn't been able to meet his eyes, instead staring at the floor, her face flushed in shame, and her eyes burning with unshed tears. Why had she picked a friend? For someone so fucking smart, she was really fucking stupid sometimes._

"_Lie down" he'd said, in a voice that was cool and restrained, and she knew she was done for. He'd given her a quick pelvic exam, and looked over her body, looking past the scars, and declared her fit for duty and instructed her to put her clothes back on. She'd never heard sweeter words in her life._

_When Bones was done and had marked down everything he'd needed to, he'd opened the door and called for a nurse. He'd handed her the papers, and told her to delay his next appointment by twenty minutes. That's when Addy knew she was in deep shit, because he was done being a doctor to her now that the physical was finished, and he was just her friend now, so he could be as brash and accusing and demanding as he wanted. The door to the exam room had shut with a kind of finality that made her want to weep, and she couldn't help the feeling that he was shutting the door on the only real friendship she'd been able to cultivate all on her own._

_Bones had looked at her long and hard, and she still hadn't been able to meet his gaze fully, watching him warily out of the corner of her eye for any sign that he was going to turn nasty. She couldn't really believe he would get mean, that didn't seem like the type of guy he was, and she was a pretty good judge of character, but she also knew better than most how well people could hide their true selves._

"_Oh quit lookin' like that," he'd said calmly, walking over to the chair for physicians and sitting down. "Ya look like my mama's horse whenever it was time to clean his hooves." Addy said nothing. There was nothing for her to say._

"_Now, I'm gonna bring up the elephant ya don' wanna talk about and say that no one has scars like ya do unless they go through somethin' truly awful. I tried lookin' up yer medical history, but its sealed before the age of thirteen, and there's not really many visits to go off of after that hot mess." Addy slowly tensed and relaxed her shoulders, daring to look up at Bones' face, dreading the horror and disgust she knew would be in his eyes. She was surprised to find only concern and a suspicious dread. _

"_Ya've gone through somethin' awful, that'd be obvious to anyone," he said softly, and here it comes, the questions, the never-ending questions, "and I understand it's hard to talk about… but if ya ever feel like ya need to tell someone and share the burden with them, I'm happy to help you."_

_Addy couldn't help it, her jaw dropped. She gaped at him openly, shocked beyond compare at Bones. He was telling her exactly what she'd always wanted to hear from someone. When she'd finally been rescued from Tarsus, she'd been questioned so many times that they all blurred together into one great experience of fear, rage, and certain type of numbness that had stuck with her for far too long. Then there had been doctors after that, and always the same damn questions, with no consideration as to whether or not she _wanted_ to answer them. They never gave her the option to say no and choose to tell them of her own volition, they'd always just expected that she would tell them freely and without complaint._

_Oh, had there been complaint. Very noisy, loud, obscene complaint._

_And here was Bones, throwing away everything she'd been trained to expect from the world and letting her set the pace for not only their professional relationship, but their personal one as well. Really, she couldn't be blamed when the tears started flowing and she hugged the man. He'd floundered at first, before wrapping his arms around her just as tightly, freezing only when she opened her mouth and for the first time in her life, told someone her horror story of her own free will._

"_Tarsus," she'd sobbed against his shoulder, "It was Tarsus IV."_

Addy blinked as the memory faded and she looked up at her friend's expectant eyes. She looked away, her emotions considerably subdued.

"Of course I remember," she murmured. He let go of her arm, satisfied that she wasn't going to bolt at the first chance she got.

"Do ya remember how hard it was to hear everythin' ya had to tell me?" Addy grimaced at the memory. She'd made him nearly throw up, and she hadn't even told him everything, because there were some things that she would never be able to tell another soul and just… no. _No_. And after that, Bones had gone through a phase where he'd been insufferably protective over her, like she hadn't been surviving without him her whole life already. She'd been slightly offended and touched at the actions, and told him as much, and he'd told her to piss off, he was dealing with things in his own way and would tone it down just as soon as he was able. She'd shrugged it off, and he'd held true to his words and got off her back a couple months later, though that protectiveness never really left.

"Yes…"

"Alright. So how can ya stand there and judge me for how I responded when I heard who it was we're huntin' down?" Addy sighed, more tired than anything now, and wishing this night could be over already so she could fall into her bed and live in the bliss of sleep where she could forget her problems for a few hours amid the fantastical things of her subconscious.

"That's not –"

"Don't you dare," he interrupted accusingly, "try and tell me that isn't exactly what ya've been doin' since we talked yesterday." Addy snapped her eyes up to him and glared hard. She'd had it with the whole holier-than-thou act up until now, and the guilt tripping bullshit.

"Fine. I have. I've been judging you. But not on your freakish protective streak for me, because when have I ever _judged_ you for that?" Bones opened his mouth for a retort but she cut him off with the harsh tone of voice she reserved for when she was well and truly hurt. "No! I may complain and bitch and make your life annoying because of it, but I have never once judged you for fucking caring about me, you asshole! I judged you because you let me down. This is hard for _you_? _Fuck you_! You have no IDEA how hard this is for me to do without dropping to the floor in a sobbing mess of nerves and memories. Some of which, I haven't shared with you, by the way, for your own sanity.

"And when you found out what I'd kept from you and got angry me, do you know why I was so hurt? Because I was hoping that despite everything, despite all the rumors on my fucking ship, despite all the doubts in my fucking head, despite the nightmares that wake me with tears and vomit every. Fucking. Night... I hoped that _you_ would be the one person that told me I could do this, knowing my history with this man. And you stood there, telling me that I can't. That I wasn't strong enough. You were telling me everything I already fear, and you have no idea how much that fucking hurt coming from you, Bones. You have no idea how betrayed I felt. So don't stand there being all high and fucking mighty with me like you're better than me and the victim in all this shit, because now not only do I have to do this whole shit storm _without_ your support, I also have to convince you I'm not losing my marbles so you don't take my ship away from me and expose _my_ personal past to someone that has _no fucking business_ knowing what I've been through!"

By the end of her explosive rant, Adelaide was shouting, and her chest was heaving with her heavy breathing. The few stragglers this far on the edge of the fair stared at her with interest and worry before walking on by. Bones was staring at her more surprised than she'd ever seen him. His eyes were wide and his mouth was agape, and she could see the guilt reflected back in his own eyes. Good, let him feel like shit. There was a large part of her that screamed he deserved it. Addy took a deep breath to steady her rising fury and let it out slowly, and didn't speak again until she was confident she wouldn't end it by shouting once more.

"So do me a big favor, will you? Take your anger with my 'tantrum' and kindly fuck off." With that, Adelaide turned away from her speechless friend and stomped toward the fair, fuming. She didn't even care if he followed or not. If she found Kodos, she'd call one of the security guys over to handle it, not Bones. She didn't know if she could even be in his presence right now without exploding again or bursting into tears and sobbing for forgiveness. Because despite how good it had felt to unleash all her anger and hurt at him like that, she hadn't been very mature with how she'd executed it. Bones did have a point to his argument that she'd conveniently forgotten amid her outrage.

Addy let the cries of the game vendors wash over her and called on breathing exercises she'd been taught many, many years ago when the pain of Tarsus was still fresh. Slowly she let her anger seep out into the ground beneath her converse, and ran a hand over her face, looking around at the colorful prizes without really seeing them. She sort of felt like crying, but she'd cried so much already, she didn't know if she had any tears left. With a broken sigh, she drifted over to a game that involved guns and paid the man for a go, feeling the antique shotgun in her hands, hoping she could win something cute and fuzzy to apologize with later when she came back to Bones, groveling.

Addy decided with a grim sense of finality that her life sucked, and nothing about that would ever really change.

* * *

**Alright, babes. That fight, that was a doozy, wasn't it? Addy really let Bones have it. And Bones was pretty insensitive with his 'tantrum' comment, don't you think? But I did that on purpose to try and illustrate just how frayed everyone's nerves are by taking on this mission. Bones is freaked beyond all measure for Adelaide's safety because, well, he's Bones but it's more than normal because this is Kodos. And Addy is a very proud person, she doesn't ask for help easily, but she relies on Bones a lot more than she lets on to him, and he let her down.**

**Taking that into account, was the situation believable? I like to think so. Tell me if you agree with a review! A lovely little review. Just go type it up, press that button... like right now. (;**

**Peace.**


	6. Here For The Party

**And here we are again, lovelies!**

**I hope everyone enjoys the latest chapter. I have to admit, I'm only just now starting to figure out everything that happened to Addy on Tarsus, and I think I've got the balance I was looking for between horrifying and bearable. I don't want it to be so horrible that Addy could never have recovered, but I want it to be pretty terrible. Poor thing. I'm so mean to my people in my stories. Really, it's a problem. I'm seeing someone about it.**

**Kisses!**

**MD**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any part of the franchise. I gain nothing from writing this other than creative satisfaction.**_

* * *

_Much to her surprise, Kevin had no family here on Tarsus. He'd had a grandmother when he'd first arrived four months ago, but she'd soon passed on from a bad case of pneumonia and old age. Surprisingly, instead of sending him back to Earth (where he also had no family to speak of), Kodos had taken the small boy under his wing, finding shelter for him up at the town hall. A seemingly kind gesture, but Addy found it harder to trust it as genuine. She had a harder time trusting the ginger man than most others, to be honest. There was something slimy and false about the man that left her stomach feeling unstable and disturbed. Everything about him seemed nice and considerate and everything a governor should be, but then again, Frank had _seemed_ the same the first time she'd met him. Look how that ended up._

_To say that Lillith and Henry were surprised when she returned with the small, shivering bundle of toddler would have been understating the matter immensely. And to everyone's surprise (including Addy's), the blonde teen was fiercely protective over the boy. She refused to let her relatives feed him or bathe him and damn near _growled_ at them when they suggested she go shower and leave Kevin to them. Something primal and possessive reared its head at the thought of someone taking the boy away from her. Addy didn't remember how to connect with people anymore. She'd had to kill that part of her herself when the abuse with frank started and she'd seen everyone in the town know what was going on and choose to ignore it anyway. She'd had to learn to sense preemptively when her step-father would get nasty. She'd had to lock away her fragile humanity and go back to the dark, animal side mankind had conquered long ago. She'd learned to tread without a sound to creep past Frank. How to read minute signs from the body to detect when her injuries would be superficial or crippling. She could walk and talk like any normal human, but everyone in her small could sense something in the air around her, and it made them jittery. It was easier to hide here on Tarsus, spending so much time in the woods and on the fringe of the settlement, and it had quieted a bit when there was no immediate danger after she'd settled in._

_But it was a side of her that latched on to her small charge with a passion._

_Kevin had trusted her completely when his life had most depended on it, and the weight of that responsibility was something she took very seriously. So, that first night, she'd taken care of him all on her own, feeding his empty stomach and washing the dirt from his hair and cuts. She'd dressed him in one of her old, ratty t-shirts she'd used on the corvette, and he could practically swim in it, but she'd get his clothes soon enough and bring them here, because if Kodos thought he was taking Kevin away from her, he would find out he was wrong. The painful way. Her relatives left them alone soon enough, secretly relieved to see their broken and abused niece attached to _something_, even if the attachment seemed strange. _

_Kevin fell asleep instantly in her bed, caged safely in her arms, smelling faintly of the lavender soap Addy used, and Addy… well, she really _slept_ for the first time since months before coming here to Tarsus._

_Getting the clothes the next day had been harder than she'd anticipated, because she'd been right in assuming Kodos wouldn't want to let the boy go home with her to stay. But Lillith and Henry had jumped at the chance to have Kevin share their home, and Addy loved them a little bit more. After having them sign a few waivers, Addy had helped Kevin pack his bags and held his hand all the way back to the house, feeling on the verge of tears the whole way._

_Life continued on as before with an unspoken agreement between everybody that this small brown-haired boy was now a part of their family, and Addy was shocked to realize she actually _felt_ like they were a family. Her aunt and uncle included. Kevin trailed happily after Addy in her chores, and loved helped Lillith in the kitchen, boasting for days about how he could make himself a sandwich without any help. And always, that other side of Addy made sure she knew the whereabouts of the charming toddler._

_She soon learned that Kevin was still interested in the great expanse of forest, despite his frightening time in it, and Addy couldn't help a deep sense of pride for the boy whenever he followed her past the line of trees without hesitation. He was, in fact, only four, so therefore much too noisy within the quiet confines of leaves and rough bark. But addy didn't mind that finding animals to track and sometimes hunt was harder now, she enjoyed his company. She taught him about the few plants she could recognize from books and ones she'd learned about herself. Which were edible, which were poisonous, and which would give him a nasty rash and fever. There were plants that could cover his scent, plants that would bite him if he got too close, and plants that sparkled in the moonlight like a little bit of outer space had fallen to the earth and grown from the dirt._

_Addy showed him the constellations in the sky, and taught him how to read and write. She taught him table manners, and when it would be better to be quiet and observe than open his mouth and participate in a conversation. She shared with him all the things she had learned in all her pain, all the life skills she'd developed amid the punches and slaps so that hopefully, if there was ever a time he was in trouble and Addy couldn't help him, he'd be able to help himself until he found her._

_And in turn, Kevin helped Addy re-learn the wonder in the song of a bird on the cusp of morning. He taught her the beauty in sitting and watching the sun set the green sky on fire with wild colors she couldn't name as it dipped below the horizon. He taught her the comfort of laughter and companionship and family. He taught her the value of trust and love. He showed her the universe through the open-eyed innocence that only a toddler could experience, and the fun of wasting time on silly games like hide-and-seek or tag. And through him, he showed her the love Lillith and Henry felt for her, without conditions or expectations, and that she was keeping them at a distance for no reason, because they wanted nothing from her other than her happiness. _

_Tarsus became even more wondrous and beautiful to her after she met Kevin._

_Addy took to the forest more and more when their crop started failing, feeling the pressure to keep everyone fed, Kevin chattering behind her happily. It was on one such excursion that everything went wrong. So terribly, terribly wrong, and Adelaide's life was changed forever._

* * *

Addy peered out the window quietly as two of her companions giggled behind her like the lovestruck teenagers they were. She'd gotten on the ferris wheel in the hopes she could have some time to think in silence while enjoying the view of the fair from the air, and that hope had quickly been dashed when the operator had crammed three other people in here with her. Two of them appeared to be a young couple, and the other looked just as awkward as Addy felt, poor girl.

The two of them jumped when the girl squealed at something her boy had whispered and Addy rolled her eyes. She was counting down the seconds until she was out of this stupid cage. She hadn't expected others to be here, else she wouldn't have bothered standing in line for twenty minutes and paying the credits.

With a frown, she looked down at the plush black horse in her lap. It looked exactly like Bones' Andalusian back in Georgia, down to the glossy white socks and stripe through an otherwise pitch black tail. She remembered that mild horse with a fond smile. Bones was convinced the horse was mixed with some other breed by the strange markings, but Midnight's body was completely that of an Andalusian, so he was stumped with nothing to go on. Regradless, Bones was besotted with the animal, almost as much as he was with his daughter Joanna, and Addy had seen why when she'd gone home with him on their leave right after the Nero incident. And, when she'd seen the plush toy as a prize at one of the booths, and quickly laid claim to it thinking it would help her in her apology since she was so shitty with words sometimes, but now it seemed… childish. It was silly to think a child's comfort toy would mend the problems between Addy and her best friend in the whole universe. She glared when the girl's voice dipped low in an attempt to be seductive and the boy chuckled, dragging her from her thoughts, and shook her head.

Adelaide couldn't be more grateful when she was off the stupid ride a few minutes later. She quickly resumed her slow walk through the bustling crowd, holding the plush of Midnight to her chest, and not really sure what she was doing. She _should_ be asking around about Kodos' acting troupe so she could get him, and get off this planet and be done with this mess sooner than later, but… _but_…

She wasn't exactly sure how she was going to apprehend him, either. What was she gonna do, just waltz right up to him say, "Hey Kodos, remember me? You tortured me and put me through unimaginable anguish and scarred me for life. I'm here to arrest you for all that murder you committed," and expect him to come all meek and complacent? She snorted derisively to herself and the thought. No, he would definitely put up a fight, and though that thought sent her in to a panic, Addy kept herself from crying with the thought that she wasn't a child anymore. She wasn't helpless. And she wasn't alone. Well… she wouldn't be when she went to go get him. Right now she was very much alone, because she had the uncanny ability to push people away when she needed them the most.

'_What even is my life?'_ Addy complained to herself. Her communicator beeped with the alarm she'd set to remind her when it was time to ring Spock. Had it been two hours already? She pulled it out with a thoughtful frown.

"Kirk to Spock," she said, walking away from the crowd for more privacy.

"Spock here," came the cool response soon after.

"Hey. Just… checking in…" God that sounded lame! No way was her pesky first officer let her get away with that.

"I am aware as you made me privy to your plans before beaming down to the surface of the planet, Captain. You are stating the obvious." Yep there it was. Addy smiled in spite of herself.

"My mistake," she murmured.

"Indeed. Has there been any progress in your pursuit of the target?" Addy lost her smile and sighed wearily.

"No, Spock. The four of us have pslit up to cover more ground, but this fair is pretty big. Bigger than I thought, so it might take longer than we expected."

"Aye, Captain."

"That doesn't change my plans, though. I'm still bringing us back in an hour's time, with or without this fucker. I wanna see what we found out and regroup before sending out another party."

"An admirable plan of action, Captain. You are being abnormally cautious with the parameters of this mission, and while I comment your forethought, I admit it is mildly perplexing to see you act so out of character." Addy froze and looked down the small device in her hand, as if Spock was using it to see right through her. Shit, how much had he seen? Well, fuck, with how she'd been acting lately, he'd probably figured out she at least had some past experience with Kodos. He had a genius brain anyway, and was so freakishly smart, it intimidated her, and Addy wasn't intimidated by intelligence easily. She'd met plenty of Vulcans in her time, too, that were less than impressive. But Spock… Spock was something else. She panicked when she realized she'd been silent too long and cursed at herself for her blunder.

"Uh… yeah. Well, the stuff on this guy was, uh… was pretty bad so… Well, you know, I didn't want any of my people getting hurt by underestimating him in his old age," she tried, knowing there was an off tone in her voice that she just _knew_ wouldn't escape Spock's notice.

"Indeed," he said thoughtfully (he always sounded more emotional when it was through the communicator), "I concur with your reasoning. When dealing of a criminal of his caliber, it is best to be overly-cautious so as to prevent unnecessary loss."

"Y-yeah, well, uh… gotta run! See you in an hour. Kirk out."

"Cap –" Addy slammed her communicator shut, cutting off her first officer before he had the chance to poke and prod more at things he had no business touching. She shoved it deep in her pocket and buried her face in the soft horse in her hands. A wave of nausea passed over her, and she gagged, battling the urge to empty her stomach in the grass next to her, which subsided soon enough and was replaced by another shock of uncontrollable rage. Addy shivered, squeezing her eyes shut as a couple tears slipped through her eyelids. She whimpered as a voice inside her mind screamed and thrashed around, furious and frightened, and the warring impulses to both ignore it and give in were giving her a headache. She felt so overwhelmed and helpless. Her world was crashing down around her, and she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe.

Fuck. _She couldn't breathe._

Addy dropped the plushie and clutched at her chest as her vision swam and she fell to her knees. Her panic shot to new heights. Sweat beaded on her forehead and neck and she took great gulping gasps of air to battle the panic attack overcoming her system. Her limbs quaked, and her head spun wildly. There were so many things going wrong for her, she didn't know what to do, or how to even stand on her feet anymore. She felt like the ground beneath her feet was swallowing her whole until she fell through the cracks right to the core where it was so hot. It was so _hot_, and so _dry_, and there was so much blood as the hands slipped over her skin, and that laughter. Oh god, that cackling laughter as he drove into her over and over again, and it hurt, it hurt so much, she prayed to everything, so prayed for death to come and take her away from this nightmare because she was so _young_, and so _hungry_, and she'd only been trying to keep them _safe_. What had she ever done to get such a shitty draw in life? But it never stopped. It dragged on and on through her whole life, through an age of the stars, and it carried through the whole universe, tainting the black emptiness until it was ugly and impure, and dirty, _so dirty_, no one would ever want her again. Why couldn't she just die?

Adelaide threw up violently, and seeing as she hadn't eaten recently, it was nothing but pure stomach acid, burning the back of her throat and making her cough. Her stomach rolled, even as she stopped puking, and she sat back on her rear end heavily, gasping. She looked up to the clear sky, at all the twinkling stars laughing down at her and cried silently.

She hadn't seen Kodos in 10, almost 11 years now, and he still had the power to make her feel like a child.

Pathetic.

* * *

"_Addy, why're we hiding?" Kevin asked, hiding on the fringe of the forest behind Addy's back. She watched through the leaves of the berry bush she was crouched behind as five grown men stormed her house, and the blood drained from her face as she heard the screams of her aunt and pained cries from her uncle. Then silence._

"_Be _quiet_, Kevin," she snarled harshly, her eyes stinging. She could sense the hurt from the small boy, but he remained silent, and for that she was eternally grateful because just then the men exited the house and looked around, presumably for her and the small toddler she was shielding. She narrowed her eyes as they looked curiously at the forest and exchanged some words. One of them pointed near exactly at the spot she was hiding, and her heart stopped for a couple beats when she thought he could see them, but the other one shook his head firmly and they left soon after. She let out a slow breath of relief, but didn't move from her spot until she'd counted four minutes after the car had driven away._

_Addy cautiously raised her head over the bush, and seeing no danger, ducked back down to speak to Kevin. He'd heard the same screams from the house she had, and he looked terrified._

"_Addy, what's going on?" he asked, looking up at her with wet eyes. "I'm scared."_

"_I know, Kev, but don't worry, I'm going to keep you safe," she promised, and her tone was so determined and full of conviction, that he looked instantly better. But his eyes kept flicking back to the house. "But right now, you need to stay here. You need to stay _right_ here and stay very quiet. There are bad men that will hurt you if they find you. They will take you from me and hurt you very bad, do you understand?"_

_Kevin's lip trembled dangerously but he nodded silently. Addy wrapped her arms around him in a tight squeeze that she hoped was comforting to him._

"_I'm going to go the house. I need to check on Aunt Lil and Uncle Henry and get things for us, but I _will_ come right back." _

"_No!" Kevin cried out, making Addy tense with how loud it was, and he tightened his hold around her waist. "Please don't leave me alone!" Addy shushed him and pulled him back so she could look down at his face._

"_Kevin, I need go back to the house. I have to get food for us, because we have to hide, and I can't take you with me," she explained calmly. He looked away from her back at the house and down at the forest floor before muttering quietly._

"_What if the bad men find you and hurt you?"_

"_They won't." Kevin looked up at her doubtfully. "They _won't_."_

_Despite how young he was, he knew there was no stopping Addy from anything she was determined to do and nodded hesitantly. With a kiss to his forehead and a pat on the head, she cautiously stepped away from the cover of the forest and looked around anxiously. She could feel her heart pounding and her arms and legs were taught with energy. Taking a deep breath for courage, she slipped off her shoes so she would be quieter and ran across the open expanse of land, not stopping until she reached the back door. She waited for the shouts of someone that had seen her and the sound of footsteps chasing after her, but much to her relief, they never came. She slipped through the door and passed through the kitchen (she'd return to raid it later), heading for the stairs up to her room and froze. _

_Lillith and Henry's bodies were left carelessly on the living room floor, bleeding out on the carpet. Henry was face down, a large burn hole in his head where a phaser had killed him instantly, but Lillith had fallen on her back. Her face was contorted in an expression of such instinctual terror, that for a moment, Addy had to look away. She felt sick, and nearly threw up, but she kept her stomach settled. She didn't want anyone to see she'd been here if they came back later, and she didn't want to waste time by cleaning her own vomit. Steeling herself, she looked back at the gruesome sight and felt her heart harden. She vowed a quick death to the fuckers that did this._

_With a silent prayer for her dead relatives, she stepped carefully over their growing pool of blood and dashed up the stairs. She pulled both of her bags out from under the bed and stuffed only one with as many of hers and Kevin's clothes as she could fit. She thought about it for a moment, and then grabbed her stuff form the bathroom as well, because she reasoned she didn't know how long they would be hiding and staying clean would help keep them healthy longer. She gave her room one last look before running down the stairs and navigating her way through the blood and to the kitchen. In the second bag, she threw as much food as she could fit, neatly packing mason jars and fruit so she could make the most of the small space she had to work with. In another smaller bag hanging by the back door, Addy stuff a few more things that she'd missed, and wondered how far she could get with this much weight on her back. _

_Without looking back, Addy left the house and calm as she could, walked back to the forest, not breathing right until she was in the darkness of the trees and saw that Kevin was indeed in the same exact spot she'd left him. He cried when he saw her, and she sat down her luggage to hug him and rub her hand up and down his back. When he'd collected himself, she slipped her shoes back on and gave him the smallest bag to carry while she put the food on her bag and carried the one with their clothes in her hand. In her other, she held on to Kevin and guided him through the maze of bushes and trees, following the flow of water to her cave. She unloaded her bag and again told Kevin to stay and left with the promise to come back and the need to find out what the fuck had happened._

_It took her two hours to walk through the forest back to town, but when she did, her blood ran cold. She could hear the screams, and smell the singed flesh, even from this far away, and confusion and anger filled her veins. There was careless killing right in the streets. Men, women, and even children lay on the red dirt, bleeding out and soaking the earth until the ground nearly looked black._

_Addy dashed over to the closest house she could find and peeked through the window, growling at what she saw. A woman with bright, fiery hair was begging to a man that had a glistening phaser jammed in her face as she held a child with the same color hair behind her. Without even thinking, Addy picked up a rock and threw it through the glass of the window and ran around fast as she could to the back of the house where she slipped silently through the door. The distraction would have made the man walk over to the broken window to investigate, giving the blonde teenager enough time to slip into the house. All the houses had the same basic layout, so the back door led her into the kitchen, where Addy pulled a dirty knife out of the sink and crept to the doorway of the living room. She felt the air around her charge with electricity and the hair on her arms stood up, and she growled as she carelessly ran through the door, knowing a phaser had just been shot. The redheaded woman lay dead across her screaming child, and the man didn't even see Adelaide coming._

_With a cry of rage, she jumped on him and stabbed the knife through his right eye, feeling the sickening squelch of flesh and the hot blood run over her hands. The sharp smell of iron and copper filled her mouth, and she gagged as the corpse fell to the floor. With shaking hands, Addy stood to her feet and looked down at her read hand. She hadn't meant to kill the man, she'd just… Well, she hadn't really known what she'd planned to do. It wasn't like this would have ended any other way. She'd just wanted to protect the mother and her child, and then she'd felt the air change after the woman had been killed, and lost it. That dark something inside purred in pleasure as the man's blood reached her shoes, and she put the information to the side to deal with later. She'd just killed a man, and it would catch up with her, but there was a small child here to deal with, and she couldn't have a meltdown just yet. _

_Adelaide knelt down and wiped her hand on his clothes, wiping away as much of the offending red color as she could, and searched his body. She took his phaser, sticking it in the waist of her pants, the cool metal resting against her skin as a heavy reminder of her terrified expression of her aunt. She also found a small PADD in his pocket and pulled it out, scrolling through the messages and bulletins to try and figure out what had gone wrong. What she found made her expression turn cold._

"_**Dear citizens of Tarsus,**_

_**As some of you may have already noticed, our crops or failing. Our best botanists have told me it is a fungus unlike anything they have ever seen, and it is spreading through the soil, infecting families all over, despite the distance. Seeing as this has put the whole colony in danger I have taken the necessary action to prevent the continued survival of those capable and worthy. Through a special computer program, I have determined that this beloved group of family I hold dear to my heart can survive this horror as long as half of you are willing to give up your own lives for us. Trust me when I say your sacrifice will not go without the respect and proper mourning due from all of your friends and family that you so courageously save. I have randomly chosen names from the database of those I believe are necessary to forfeit for the good of Tarsus IV. Please know my choices are nothing personal and are completely objective.**_

_**Thank you for your co-operation. You will not be forgotten.**_

_**Your governor,**_

_**Lieutenant-Commander Kodos Welch**__"_

_Addy ended up rescuing twenty individuals, all bringing them to her cave. She was happy when she started finding so many, but despaired with every new body she led just inside the forest with the instruction to be silent and wait for her, because she'd packed food for this many people. She'd only gotten enough for her and Kevin, and only for a couple days, maybe a week if they made it last. So with every house she went in, she also raided their fridges. Some of the kids she got were older than her by a couple years, and they didn't much like the way she dealt with them like they were _hers_. Like she was their leader. But, again, she would deal with that later._

_Addy also ended up kill six people that day. After a reading a message like that, she hardly even felt bad, too. She understood better than anybody the survival instinct and what it would drive humans to do just to stay alive, but this… This wasn't survival. This was murder._

_And they wanted to kill Kevin._

_That night, Addy went over all the food she'd collected and figured they could last 3 weeks before she'd start to worry, if they were careful. She looked around at all the crying, traumatized children, and the beast inside her head growled in approval at the size of her pack. And when she wrapped Kevin in her arms to (not) sleep that night, she let her tears fall hot into his brown hair, images of blonde curls matted with blood against a worn carpet running after her through her dreams._

* * *

**And now we start to get into the nitty-gritty stuff. Brace yourselves, everyone. It's going to be an ugly ride.**

**Peace.**


End file.
